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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.