Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.