Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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LMAO
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
absolute chaos
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses