even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco