even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You Might Also Like
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Am I having a stroke?