Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Where is your GOD now????
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.