@SadPeruna: Even if you don't pay, they'll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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@UniqueDude2: *Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge* "Ok, NOW will you go out with me?"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: What do you call the yellow ones? -Yellow labs. And the black ones? -Black labs. So the brown ones are- -No we named those after dog poison.
@WrongPandas: [at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"