Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The little toadstool has spoken.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I am also baked goods
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.