Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
when you are just born a rebel
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.