Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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My therapist after every session
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
plums roundup
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
This is my cat’s medicine.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!