YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
water it, i dare you
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.