10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I needed a laugh this morning.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.