Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.