I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Mornin
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.