If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.