The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
You Might Also Like
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me irl
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway