Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me, reading some of your tweets
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”