wait.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird