Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.