Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
#CoronaOutbreak
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.