[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense