@MikeCanRant: Even though I'm a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
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@InternetHippo: [thoughts of person talking to me]: He's furrowing his brow, he must really be listening! [my brain]: How do cows make cheese
@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage