Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious