@Sarcasticsapien: Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.
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@donni: When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
@tastefactory: *bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there's no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school