@knot_eye: Even though she's not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs? Me: Would you eat them if they were? 4: No! Me: 4: Unless I had ketchup.
@envydatropic: I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
@SortaBad: Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers? Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato? Exec: damn that's so good