Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Same post same
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum