Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.馃榿
You Might Also Like
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you鈥檙e late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you鈥檙e so gullible
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Them: you鈥檙e fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I鈥檓 gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
that鈥檚 exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
twitter users today:
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we鈥檙e still well below my average.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Scientists are just wizards who don鈥檛 take fashion risks.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I鈥檓 easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!