Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.