Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
yeah 😭
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
This is a true ally.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person