even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
A Short Story.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.