Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer