Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments