Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You Might Also Like
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇