Pot warmers of the day.
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
wtf management?!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.