@SchuylerPryor: Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
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@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@DanielEdison_: "People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them" "By mistake?" "Not you as well".
@loribuckmajor: Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
@DanMentos: *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport* TSA agent: I've never seen this low of a reading