Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
i actually laughed 😩
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.