Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
dam girl
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out