Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy