Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
You Might Also Like
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.