I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money