@CMFC99: Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
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@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@The_Grant_Boldt: Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
@CulturedRuffian: I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
@DiamondLou69: My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.