Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.