[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Please do it!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Noah was an idiot.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Worth a try