#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’ve had relationships like this
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed