Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”