I hope this email finds you in a well
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Your honor these allegations are
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO