I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew