Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Never ghost your hitman.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”