For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Every. Damn. Time.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*mops up wine with cat*
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar