I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
nobody’s gonna understand
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report