*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……