@HollyHeals: Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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@Jay16282: The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
@jenlaw_11: How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord
@iscoff: The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.