Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
How did we not see this back then?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy