Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
BaD BoY!!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Huge, if true.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.