My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Meow
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids