Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again